When I was younger, I used to enjoy driving my car for long distances, just to go and explore. Usually the driving did not involve traffic or time constraints. I find that as I've gotten older, I still enjoy driving, just not as much. I think that part of what I enjoyed about driving when I was younger was the feeling of both freedom and independence that I got from being able to jump in the car and drive, just because I wanted to. Now when I drive, it is usually for a purpose...I am trying to get from point A to point B in order to accomplish one thing or another.
Today for example, I drove to School #1, then back home (I had left something important at home). Then I drove to School #2, back to School #1, then to School #3 (for a BORING meeting), and then finally home. All in all I put close to 90 miles on my car. What did I accomplish with all that driving? It's really hard to say. Do I provide a valuable service with my work?...Absolutely! Do I derive any satisfaction from my work?... Sometimes. Do I feel overworked and overwhelmed with all that is required of me?... Most definitely. Do I need a vacation?... You bet I do!
Sometimes, I just want to get in my car and drive...like I used to do when I was young. Back when I could fit all of my belongings into my car... each time I moved. Back when I felt a joy that came from knowing that my life was my own. I could come and go as I pleased. There was no one to answer to, no one needing me for something. Sometimes, I wish that my life wasn't so complicated right now and that I didn't have all of the pressures and responsibilities that I have. Of course, back when I had all of that freedom, I often felt very lonely. I remember hoping, wishing, praying for a man to love... who also loved me. I longed for children to love. I know that if someone were to offer me that time of my life again...I wouldn't take it.
I love my hubby..I love my kids...and I really wouldn't want to be without any of them...I guess that sometimes I want to re-feel, just for a moment, that sense of complete and utter freedom.
Could this be a midlife crisis coming on? Could I be hormonal? Could I just need a vacation? Maybe yes to all three... all I know is that today, all that driving really got to me.
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6 comments:
I am not sure what a midlife crisis consists of, but I refuse to accept that my baby cousin is in midlife. I think you are just plain pooped and deserve some reflecting time. Good writing and reflecting on your life.
Isometimes miss just driving around Los Angeles searching out famous places with you guys too. We were young and carefree. Most of all it was just plain fun. I am sure happy the folks followed me out here.
Missus Chica and her sister did that when they were younger on rural roads. The would take out the trash and disappear for two hours at a time. I guess when you get older, it's more difficult to recognize a carefree moment (or create one) because we feel so burdened by responsibility.
Everyone needs and is entitled to some "me time" and you're obviously no exception. There is nothing wrong with taking a few hours and making them your own. And you know I'm always available if you want some company when out "exploring."
Okay if it is a midlife crisis, what you need is a really hot car. A red Porche or something. Isn't that the usual sign? Then you can do your impulse driving in style.
Only Oldest - I have great memories of driving around in the back of your Karmen Ghia. Thanks.
Patches - I think you hit the nail on the head...I'm so busy thinking of all of the responsibilities that I have, that I forget the moments when I am irresponsible (wait that doesn't sound right)...I forget that sometimes I am unresponsive...no that's not right either...sometimes I just forget.
Joan - Good idea...we'll have to make some plans to explore.
Julie Q. - I would buy a red Porche but I don't want to advertise if I am having a mid-life crisis...I prefer to do it in private (you know just keep it between me and the people who read my blog)
Spring fever, perhaps? This time of year I get so tired of being cooped up that I just want to be OUT and free.
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