Twelve is going on a field trip today. When she was in Elementary school, she always volunteered for me to go on the field trips with her class. It was my pleasure to go and she really wanted her "mommy" there. I always went, whether it was parent drivers or a school bus. It was great joining Twelve and her classmates on trips to many places that I had never been.
A few weeks ago, Twelve asked me if I would be willing to pay for her to go on a field trip. The place they're going is approximately 60 miles one way from her school. I've never been to this place. The school asked for parent volunteers, so I asked Twelve if she wanted me to go. Her response... "No mom, that's o.k., you don't have to go, just go to work that day...I'll be fine." My response... "Twelve, it's fine. I don't mind missing work, if you want me to go, I will be more than happy to go." Twelve's last and final response..."No mom...really...it's fine...I'll hang with my friends."
To say that I felt both happy and sad would be a fair representation of my reaction. Twelve is growing up and gaining some self confidence. That makes me happy. That I feel disconnected from what is going on at school, makes me sad. That she is choosing her friends over me is tough. I know that is how it's supposed to be, and I will deal with...after all I don't have a choice.
Yet, this morning I am sitting here worrying...scared. What am I scared about? I'm scared that the school bus will get into an accident, and I won't be there to protect Twelve (after all it's 120 miles of freeway...and it's raining today)... that something terrible will happen, and it will be all my fault for not insisting that either I go on the field trip, or that Twelve doesn't. Irrational...yes. Can I stop these worries...no. Will I act on them and stop Twelve from going...no. I suppose I won't relax all day today until Twelve walks back in the door. It's like the first time I let her walk home from school...I was terrified... after she did it a few times I stopped feeling so scared. This is a first for Twelve and I. She's never gone this far away without either my hubby or myself. Is it about time??? Evidently... but it doesn't make watching her grow and "letting her go" any easier.
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7 comments:
totally normal mom feelings. I am getting these feelings about DD going to Girl Scout camp this summer. I want her to go and have the same fun I has as a kid...but I don't want my baby to go too. wha!
she's growing up too fast.
One of the hardest parts is when to let them go on their own. There isn't an easy lesson but I am sure you will be strong. You will just be worrying all day. It's a very natural feeling. Be brave my cousin!!!
Renee - Twelve went to a sleep away camp for one week last summer. It was through our church. Although I had no fear for her safety while she was gone, I worried that she wouldn't be able to stick up for herself and that she would somehow feel "lost" without me. Dropping her off and having to drive away was really difficult for me. When I picked her up at the end of the week, I found a far more confident daughter...it made the pain in my heart worth it.
Only Oldest - Thanks...I'm trying...and at least the sun is shining.
I know how you are feeling. To me, this is the hardest part of parenting.
I'm struggling with it right now with Kid One in college.
Welcome to teenagery. Prepare for a thousand little rejections, peppered with "i need you mom"s.
I never feel completely comfortable when any of my family are far from home.
I forgot to say that now you know how Auntie E and uncle B felt the first time us kids told them to go to NY without us. I think they were shocked but recovered quickly enough to enjoy the week without us.
I think Dad enjoyed it too!!!!
I may not be a mom but I can certainly understand the conflicted feelings of wanting a child to grow up and become independent while at the same time mourning the loss of your "sweet young girl." Courage...it will only get worse...and then, when the teen years are over, it will get better and the two of you will grow closer again.
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