Sunday, October 21, 2007

What's A Dad To Do?

Elle has not spoken with her dad (DH) in over two weeks. He yelled at her for something she did and she's still not speaking to him.

DH is usually calm, but lately he's been very stressed out at work. On the morning in question, something happened between Elle and Ten, (Elle shouldn't have done what she did), and DH "lost it" and really yelled at Elle. Having her dad yell at her, scared her to her very core. She isn't used to hearing him yell.

DH apologized to Elle for yelling, and explained to her that he was angry at what she had done, but that he shouldn't have yelled the way he did. Elle's response was "I'm not talking to you".

It's now been two weeks, DH is worried that Elle will never talk with him again, and I don't know what, if anything, I can do. Needless to say, there is disharmony in my household. Does anyone have any suggestions to make this better?

16 comments:

Renee Nefe said...

Dh has appologized. It's now up to Elle. What she did was wrong and she did deserve some sort of punishment for it...although not necessarily the yelling...but like I said DH appologized.

Perhaps a reminder to Elle that she is in the wrong here.

Renee Nefe said...

here's a link to one of the mom's post about the ceremony

http://highlandshomeschool.homeschooljournal.net/2007/10/19/gs-ceremony/

Thanks for the kudos about the ceremony. Any time we do something that includes food my girls are happy. They already can't wait for the next ethnic food meeting.

oh and about Elle again...I know that she is totally entitled to her feelings. I think she might be enjoying the power of this though... if DH can pretend that this doesn't bother him and treat her as normally as possible (as if she is still speaking to him) she may forget that she isn't speaking to him or just let it drop.

Marshamlow said...

If it were me, I would not allow her to not speak to her father. It is rude and mean and no matter how a girl feels she is not allowed to be rude or mean to her dad. In my opinion either you or dh need to sit her down and tell her to act civilized or there will be consequences, no tv and a week of dish washing is my personal favorite punishment. While I am all about protecting a girl's feelings I am also all about protecting a dad's feelings.

Pam said...

I think sufficient time has passed for Elle to deal with her feelings and now she is just punishing her dad. And I don't believe that's right. He was wrong, he apologized. Now it's her turn. I suspect that she wants things to be back to normal again, but the longer she goes without speaking to him, the deeper she sinks into the drama she's created. I would encourage her to put aside the childish behavior and go to her dad, accept his apology, and apologize to him. I would probably also rant a little about grace and forgiveness... Would she want to be forever judged and punished for the mistakes she makes? Especially the ones she apologizes for?

armalicious said...

I feel sorry for your husband. I remember when I was 13 and my interactions with my dad. It's a tough time for both of them! Especially if they used to be really close. I don't have suggestions on this one, other than to give them time. I don't think it's good for her to be continuing the silent treatment for this long, but at the same sometimes silence is the best course. As long as Elle is not disrespectful to him when he talks to her, I'd give her some time.

meno said...

Two weeks? Damn, that girl is stubborn.

What Marsha said, there need to be consequences, she must not learn that it's okay to treat her father, or anyone, like this.

the moose buyer said...

I am offering any help you think I can do something for you and hubby. If you think my talking with her will help. I remember talking to Mom because I was so angry with uncle Bill and of course she gently reminded me of all the good things he did. Let me know if there is anything I can do. I am at your command.

jaded said...

Let the teenage years begin!

Marsha has some excellent points about respect, and Pam made an excellent point about apologies. If you have not taken the time to sit down with Elle and discuss what happened between her and DH, you might consider it. She might need the opportunity to discuss how she feels about the matter. It's important for her to understand,if she wants more latitude in growing older (responsibilities, or privilidges), she's will be expected to handle disagreements more maturely.

Normally, I'm in favor of letting people resolve their own differences but this is such a difficult age and it takes so little to enlarge the chasm between pubescent girls and their parents, they might need a peacemaker, with iron fist.

Anonymous said...

I heard something today on TV. How to apologize to someone.
Say "It's my fault."
"I'm sorry."
"What can I do to make this better?"

Seemed like good advice.

Patti said...

I agree with Pam. Elle needs to go to her father, accept his apology and apologize to him. This has gone on a long time and it needs to get resolved.

This happened to me once when I was 15 and I still remember the event vividly when he yelled at me. I realize now he was frustrated because he was physically not well, but it hurt.

Ralph said...

Elle has to give it up. DH gave a heartfelt apology, and that was the right thing. She has to be 'persuaded' to accept his apology. Nothing less...

Lynn said...

Everyone - Thank you all for your perspectives and advice. I had been speaking to Elle about her refusal to talk with her dad during the whole not talking episode. I spoke to her about forgiveness and about how unacceptable her behavior was. I finally told DH to ignore Elle and that eventually she would not like being ignored and would speak to him again.

I am happy to report that since I posted this blog, Elle suddenly decided to start speaking to her dad. Since Monday morning, she has decided not only to speak with him again, but she is back to calling him 'daddy'.

Hurrah!

the moose buyer said...

doncha just love teens? Tell hubby it's only just begun. You guys have 6 years of this.

Pam said...

Yay!

:-D

Patti said...

that's good to hear ;-)

egan said...

I'm glad this worked out alright. Two weeks is a long time to go without talking to a parent.