My co-leader, from Girl Scouts, emailed me yesterday and wanted to know if I would be available for meetings this year and if so, when I would be available. My first thought, my knee-jerk reaction, was Friday afternoons. The same afternoons that I have been available for the last 7 years.
I know that I said that I was done with being a Girl Scout leader. I know that Twelve certainly does not want to be involved with most of the girls in the troop. Did I mention, that I know that I said that I was done??? So why do I feel a pull to continue to remain involved with the troop?
I think that part of the reason is that I am a creature of habit, and because of that quirk in my personality, I am drawn to continue to engage in activities that I am used to...(Girl Scouts being one of them). Some of these habits are good for me and some are probably not so good for me. I am torn as to where being a Leader falls.
On one hand, I think that it's important to give back to my community and model that behavior for my children. On the other hand, some of the girls in the troop were very mean to Twelve after the Flinger incident. (see here, and here, and here for more on that). On the first hand, I love participating (and learning from) many of the girl scout activities. On the second hand, I can sign up to do many of the activities with Twelve, I don't need to be a leader.
Here's the catch...the flaw, if you will, in my personality. I will take a deep breath now and disclose it...I am basically a very lazy person. I will often take the easy way out. I don't leaf through the paper to see what fabulous activities I can take my family to. If someone else, who has already done the research, tells me about something, I will check it out...that is if I am not too busy, don't get distracted, and don't forget. Although I am fiercely independent, I am also a follower. (This bugs the heck out of Twelve, who can't seem to understand why I don't chime in with my opinion when my co leader decides she wants to do something. The truth is that I often don't really care one way or another, and I am happy to let someone else make the decision).
My thoughts are that if I continue to be the leader, my co-leader will remind me, and motivate me to check into what activities are coming up. (She's very good at that). If I don't continue to be a leader, then the burden of researching and following up on the pre-requirements for the Gold Award, as well as motivating Twelve to work on it alone, will all fall on my shoulders. I am afraid that although Twelve says that she wants to work on her Gold Award (once she's in High School), that I will not push, encourage, motivate her enough, without the nudge from my co-leader. I think that it is really important that Twelve earn her Gold Award.
I guess the bottom line is that there is a little part of me that hopes that if I continue to be involved in the troop, Twelve will eventually "come around" and participate in the troop again. Then I can continue to be lazy. I know, how can I call myself lazy when I: work part time, am the primary caregiver for my elderly mother, am a mother of a Twelve and Ten year old, volunteer at the Sunday School 1-2 Sunday's per month, and am willing to take on a girl scout troop again? Well it's easy, because even though I do all of those things, my tendency is still to take the easy way out. Just because I am busy doesn't mean that I am not lazy.
I need to get back to my co-leader, soon, and let her know what my decision is. I did tell her in the spring that since Twelve wasn't going to be involved with the troop ( I did tell her why), that my involvement was pretty much over. So why oh why, am I facing this dilemma? Why am I so insecure in my ability to make the right decision that I am 'wishy-washy'? I don't know the answers to those questions, I just know that I need some help making this decision.
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14 comments:
Wow! tough one! I too am pretty lazy and rely on others in the troop to come up with activities for us to do. Although I do scan quickly through the council emails that come to me, since I have to forward them to the moms in our troop.
If it were me, I would have a heart to heart with Twelve. Tell her your feelings about how you know your personality won't allow for you do to the extra work required for her to still remain in Scouts w/o this troop. Perhaps there is another troop that you could look at? Maybe Twelve can be in another troop while you help co-lead your old troop. Perhaps some of the other mean girls will have left the troop...they can't have been happy with how things turned out either.
I hope the best for you all.
We just did our registration day yesterday. Had a great turn out but I see that 1/2 of the girls were not there and had to email them about their paperwork. There is a chance that some won't be coming back, but we'll see.
Did I mention all the work I'm putting into the Investiture/Rededication? OY! I don't know why I knock myself out so much. Oh and I decided to make a "yearbook" of sorts for the girls too...yup, I'm crazy.
I was in Girl Scouts from Brownies on through Seniors (GEEK!)
But i still say, don't do it. You don't need that additional stress in your life.
Having said that, you will do what is right for you.
If you're doing it with the hopes that your daughter will "come around", I think that's the wrong reason.
If she doesn't want to do it, I wouldn't be involved either. Maybe she can take a year off and decide if she wants to be involved or not?
Sometimes a break is what is needed to take a clear look at things.
I have no good advice. I know that if your daughter is going to be thirteen soon, she will want to spend less and less time with you. It's just part of growing up and separating from your parents.
Do what you want to do, for you.
My thought is maybe you can spend the time you would have spent with the troop doing things with Twelve. Mother-daughter time is so important and before you know it....well it's time for her to graduate from high school, etc.
You are not lazy and you are not flawed. Sometimes we get ideas in our heads of how things "ought" to be and what we "should" be doing, but they don't really mesh with the realities of our life and our personalities and our kids. What do YOU want? What does Twelve want?
You said, "Yes" for a long time. It's ok to just say, "No" now.
Guilt isn’t the right reason to continue your involvement. Saying no compassionately is difficult.
I like what Patti said.
Let Twelve tell you what sort of activities she'd like to do with you. And I'm sure that if you were stumped for ideas, a quick 'schmooze call' to the co-leader would elicit some info on current events.
Your heart isn't in being a GS leader...you don't have to do it. I'm with Patti, do as many mother-daughter things you can. They grow really fast as we know, but you can really help with Twelve as you can instill as many of your values to her. This GS troop will survive, and who needs more Flingers anyway...
Renee - Unfortunately, all of the girls in the troop from last year have remained.
Meno - I'm trying to do what is best...I just wish that I had a crystal ball to know what "best" is.
Sari - I think that you are right. My continuing to participate as a leader won't bring Twelve around. I think if anything, knowing her personality, it will make her even more determined NOT to participate.
Deb - Good point. I fear that soon she will not want to be seen in public with me. sigh
Patti - You are so right. At this time, Twelve is telling me that she wants to continue in Girl Scouting, but in a different capacity...where it's just the two of us doing the events/activities together. Thanks for the reminder that the together time is really what is important.
Pam - It is hard for me to really know what I want...or at least to admit it, because what I think I should do isn't meshing with what I want to do. I am afraid that people will think less of me if I do what I want to do.
Patches - Guilt comes into play when I think of how I will feel when I tell my co-leader that "no meant no". It will come when I think that I have let the other girls down by no longer being their leader. Of course, the girls will not see how their behavior (they were mean to Twelve, which is why Twelve doesn't want to interact with them) is why I would no longer be their leader. I suspect that they will just be angry at me, which I have a hard time with.
Nancy - I like what Patti said, too. Once the program guide of events comes, I will go through it will Twelve. Unfortunately, there are some events (which are lots of fun) where you need to be part of a troop. I guess that will be our price to pay for the decision we make.
Ralph - Thanks for the permission to stop being a leader. I think that Twelve will respect me more if she feels that I am standing by her and not participating in a troop with girls who were mean to her.
I may be wrong, but can't you pay the fee and be a member of the troop who comes along and helps on events without being a leader or having a defined capacity? You can say I am going to join because I know this money will help the troop and I may want to tag along now and again, but my schedule is such that I am not able to participate any more than that at this time.
I don't think it matter that you teach the mean girls a lesson. Twelve will know that to you, her feelings and opinions are more important to you than the feelings and opinions of the other girls.
Just my two cents, it is hard. Good luck. Whatever you decide you will make it work. And the more independently Twelve works on and earns the Gold Award the more it will mean to her.
Marsha - We did sign up as part of the troop (last spring), mostly because Twelve raised alot of money for the troop, due to sales of Girl Scout cookies, and we want the troop to help pay for some of the activities that we will do, from those monies and also because that way the troop will have 2 registered leaders in order to continue. I think you are right about Twelve feeling supported by me, and the more independently Twelve works on her Gold Award, the more it will mean to her
re: Barney...I'm sure he's online too.
Renee - I'm sure you're right.
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