Sunday, December 2, 2007

Grief

It amazes me the impact that grief can have on a person. There are many things that can cause grief, but ultimately it comes from the profound feeling of loss. I am no stranger to grief having lived through it's stages many times. Yet intellectualizing grief doesn't stop the experiencing of it.

Yesterday, my cousin Frank died. Suddenly and unexpectedly. There was no time to prepare for this news, no time to slowly ease my way into wrapping my mind around it, BAM...it was a done deal, and suddenly I had to deal with it...or not.

When my sister told me that Frank had died, I felt absolutely nothing. There was Joan crying and sobbing on the phone and there was me, a cold hearted b*tch feeling absolutely nothing. I know what I was feeling was shock and disbelief. I kept waiting for Joan to tell me it was all a mistake. My mind, my heart, my soul were not ready to absorb the information that my cousin Frank, the man who told such engaging stories, and who made everyone laugh, was gone.

I managed to tell DH that Frank had died, and I was as cool as a cucumber as I told him. It wasn't until I stepped into the shower that I felt the first wave of sadness wash over me, and finally the tears flowed freely.

When someone dies, there are a lot of details to take care of. One of those details was to tell my mother that her beloved nephew was dead. Both Joan and Ina wanted to be with me when I told my mother. Fortunately my mom doesn't come out for breakfast until about 10am, which gave both Joan and Ina plenty of time to get to my house. My moms reaction, was to be expected...shock, disbelief, then tears...lots and lots of tears.

The real bummer for my mother was that as different people came over throughout the day, and they spoke of Franks death, the news of his death was new for her. It didn't matter that I had written all of the details on a piece of paper for her...she would forget, then learn all over again that he had died...and each time she learned of his death was like the first time. Finally last night Franks death moved from no memory to a temporary memory. We'll see what this morning brings for her.

I'm not really sure what, if anything I should do about reminding my mother about Frank's death until the funeral. We really don't know when that will be, since he wants to be cremated and then the ashes will need to be flown out to California from Georgia. Somehow I want to help prepare my mother for the service, so that she can move through the stages of grief. Realistically, once the funeral is over she will not give Frank another thought, unless someone brings him up. Subconsciously she may miss his phone calls but his absence will not be a part of her reality. However, her world will become just a little bit smaller without his phone calls, and the joy that they brought to her.

This saddens me as we start to muddle our way through the five stages of grief.

8 comments:

jaded said...

Don't you wish life came with an instruction manual? Not that it would be accurate, have decent diagrams or be written in English...

I'm sorry that Frank's loss is like the movie Groundhog Day for your mother. Living the same experience over and over until we get it. My heart goes out to you, Joan and your mother.

Though, your mother may forget about Frank's passing again, she will also forget her own grief and mourning, so while her experience will be repetitive, it will not be exponential for her. The experience will be much harder on you and Joan as you will feel the the added weight of repetition infused with memory becomes terribly heavy.

I'm touched by your desire to ease this transition for your mother, even if it interferes with own grief. Your mother needs closure as we all do, in times like these, but she might not need all five stages of grieving... she may only require two or three.

Michele said...

My prayers are for you and your families today. It's always a shock to lose someone so wonderful as you described at such a young age. He sounded like an amazing man and obviously had touched many lives in so many ways. I will be thinking of you all today.

Mary said...

My sincere sympathies on the passing of your cousin, Frank. Grief is a hard thing to go through and even more difficult at this time of year. I will keep your family in my prayers.

Blessings,
Mary

Marshamlow said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is to see your mom have to go through this over and over again. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Renee Nefe said...

wow! I think that patches has said everything. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this all is for you.

You're in my prayers.

meno said...

You will deal with it in the way that you should. Quietly, loudly, alone, together.

I am so sorry for your and your families loss.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be doubly hard with your mom, having to tell her over and over that Frank has died. I wish you and your mother peace.

Lynn said...

Patches - Were you a mental healthcare provider in one of your previous lives? I've always loved the movie Groundhog Day, feeling that it represented how we as humans are destined to live life over and over and over again, until we get it right.

You are right about my mother's grief not being exponential. Thank goodness! For me the pain isn't in the retelling, it's in the watching her shock, each time she hears the news.

Although her conscious mind doesn't seem to be remembering, last night when we spoke of Frank (I was telling her a funny story about him, and we were totally cracking up) she didn't seem as shocked by the news, or as pained by his death.

I know that grief comes in waves. Fortunately last night wave was a mild one.

Michele - Thanks. He was an amazing man. Not a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but a pretty good guy.

Mary - Thanks for your comfort during this difficult time.

Marsha - All prayers are appreciated.

Renee - I think Patches is one smart kitty! Thanks for including us in your prayers:~)

Meno - You are right. There is certainly no correct way to grieve...we all have to find our own way, which can change from moment to moment. Not everyone recognizes that, and I have watched people act a certain way in their grief, because they thought that was what was expected of them. Then they missed experiencing and moving through the grief.

Deb - Thanks. Reminding my mothers of Franks death will pass, once his remains are brought back to California and the burial/internment has taken place. Then, for her, it will be over.