The other night, I was sitting at the dining room table with my mother and Twelve. We were all eating, when my mother and I had the following conversation:
Mom - Is that all you're eating?
Me - Yeah, my stomach is bothering me.
Mom - Is this something new?
Me - No, I have acid reflux.
Mom- What's that? I've never heard of it.
Me - It's what dad had.
Mom - Really ? I don't remember my mother telling me that he had that.
Me - Not YOUR dad...MY dad.
Mom- (with a somewhat blank look on her face) He had that? I didn't know.
Me - Mom, remember he used to eat a lot of Tums and sleep with the head of his bed elevated?
Mom - No, I don't remember that.
I feel so sad, that after 53 years of marriage, it is evident that my mother doesn't remember my dad. True he died six years ago, but I would have thought that he would have remained in her long term memory. I guess that she only remembers people from her childhood, and people from now...everyone in between is gone to her.
Whenever I mention my dad in conversation, my mom looks at me with a slightly lost look. She smiles and nods her head at the right times, but never volunteers any information about the two of them, or their life together. She done that with events from the past, but somehow, I continued to believe that she remembered my dad. My dad...her husband for G-d's sake! How could she not know who I was talking about? I thought that her dementia was affecting only her short term memory. I now see that she's been robbed of much of her long term memory as well. This makes me so sad, and truly breaks my heart.
My mother has a picture, sitting on her dresser, of my mother and father together looking at the camera and smiling. I wonder who she thinks the man is. I don't have the heart, or the courage, to ask her. I've known, for a few years, that she has forgotten much of my childhood. As sad as that's made me feel, at least she still remembers me...but now I know that she doesn't remember my dad...and that hurts me to my very core.
About Me
- Lynn
- I'm a mom, the primary care giver for my elderly mother, and I work 24 hours/week. I'm tired. I need to sleep. That about sums it up.
Someday...
...I'll make time to recharge my batteries
Why I am so tired...
I"d Like To Thank The Academy...
11 comments:
My MIL has two siblings with alzheimers. Her brother doesn't know who she is at all and her sister fakes it, but we know she doesn't remember either.
MIL talks with her when they visit and sometimes she'll remember the oddest things.
I'm so sorry that your mom doesn't remember your dad. Maybe if you used his name more often? Call him "My Dad HISNAME" and have the kids call him "Grandpa HISNAME" or whatever grand term they used for him.
Please don't be offended if you've already tried this or currently do this. It's just the best I could come up with.
I am so sorry, this is pretty much the worst thing that could happen to a Mom.
the worst thing is they just can't help it.
i'm sorry, i know this is upsetting.
I'm also sorry to read this. It must be very hard to live with on a daily basis, Lynn.
Thinking of you.
Lynn, I just left you a note on Sari's and Ralph's blogs. Now I'm thinking to myself: "she might not see those." So I'm telling you about it.
I'm with you on the tired thing. ;-)
when we were together a couple of months ago and mom spoke of the time when she worked, I listened to her and believed that her long term memories were until she was about 35 and I think I mentioned it to Joan. I know how hard it is for us to realize that she doesn't remember Dad as we do but now we must be grateful that she still knows who we are and loves us. She also knows how much we love her. Auntie Sallie and our Grandmother didn't have that luxury.
I'm sorry Lynn... this must be tough to take at times. My mother-in-law suffered the same thing and she didn't recognize late in the stages just before she passed away and it shattered our hearts into pieces when she would scream for us to go away because she thought we were "bad people" and we were going to hurt her. Be strong... ((Hug))
That is really sad. I am trying to think about how much that must hurt. I can only imagine.
Dementia, alzheimers it doesn't matter how you label it, it hurts loved ones and caretakers the most. Thinking of you and wishing you peace and strength.
It's hard to watch your parent, your mother, slip away, piece by piece until one day, all that's left is an empty shell.
It's good that she has you, to remember, to care for her.
Renee - Thanks for the suggestion. Her brain cells are just not firing.
Marsha - It is really sad.
Sari - I know that she can't help it...it still makes me sad.
Patti - It is hard to live with on a daily basis...Once I walk in the door I can no longer pretend that her memory is still intact.
Patti - Saw your comments. Thanks for the heads up.
The Moose Buyer - I am thankful that she still knows who we are...I hope that she never loses that memory. And I do know that she still feels our love.
Michele - Thanks for the hug...I really needed it;~)
Meno - Be thankful that you don't know this hurt. I hope you never know it.
Patches - Thank you.
Deb - We went through this with my dad. On some level it made his death a little easier, since the dad that we knew, was no longer really there, the part of him that made him who he was had gone. Yet my mom is supposed to always be my mom, strong, independent, and protective. It's tough that she is no longer that person.
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