Sometimes I think that I'm a failure as a mother. Here's why...
I have a friend who is very involved in her children's school work. She always looks up her children's assignments on the school web site, that way she knows when projects are due and what tests are coming up. She will then sit down with her children and help them with their homework, projects, and studying for tests. She often says things such as 'I have a project due in History, I have a test coming up in Science.' When I hear these things I think what does she mean by "I"? As far as I can tell, she finished school a long time ago. I know that she means that she needs to sit at the table with her children and make sure that they do their homework, project, or studying correctly. Her children are both doing very well in school, one could say that they are certainly living up to their potential.
I can't necessarily say the same about Ten and Twelve. While they both do well in school, I don't think that either of them is working up to their full potential. I know that I never did, and I can't help but wonder, what would happen if I sat with them and helped them with their homework, school projects, and studying, without them asking me for the help? Would they resent my intrusion into their work? Would I resent the time I would be spending helping them? I don't mind taking the time to help them, when they request the help. At times I offer the help. However, my feeling is that if either Ten or Twelve need help with an assignment, that know that all they have to do is to ask me for it.
Sometimes (like today) I worry that the reason that I don't rush see what they are doing is because I am too busy doing something else (like blogging, reading a book, or talking on the phone). So when they tell me that they have completed their homework, and ask me if they can go on the computer , I take what they say at face value. I ask if they have any questions about their homework, or if there is something that they didn't understand and want me to explain, but I don't insist on sitting with them, looking over their shoulders, making them do the work right. I figure if they don't understand a concept, they will ask me for help, if not then the teacher will see the mistakes in their homework and will correct them in class.
Sometimes I wonder if I am harming Ten and Twelve, by not insisting on helping them, whether they want the help or not. Am I setting them up to fail in the future, by not insisting that they live up to their full potential now? Or am I raising two children who will in the long run, be responsible, independent adults?
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11 comments:
It would be hard to say that ANY of us ever live up to our full potential. I once read that Einstein didn't completely tap into his brain power. If your children have proven trustworthy about completing their assignments, it isn't necessary for you to supervise their studies every evening. If you absorb responsibility for tracking all their academic obligations, they may discontinue accepting these responsibilities for themselves.
Praise them when they do well, make sure they know you're available when they need help, and encourage them to work harder.
I pick option B: you are always available for them if they have a question, so it sounds like you are raising them to be responsible and independent.
Your friend needs to let her kids fail once on their own!
You hope that you give your kids some values...working to your potential is one of them...but if you never say anything to them about helping them, or questioning them about what their homework they may never get the idea that this work is important. I suppose that if you don't think that it's important, your children won't either as they get older...
You are doing just fine with Twelve and Ten. Stop second guessing your parenting skills! They know you are available if they need you (I've heard them ask you for help) so let them learn to be independent workers and thinkers.
Speaking of thinking, I've awarded you the Thinking Blogger Award... congratulations! See my blog for details!
Patches - Great, I am finally in the same 'Haven't lived up to their full potential group' as Albert Einstein. I feel smarter already.
Patti - I hope that my kids are learning a sense of responsibility and independence. Sometimes I wonder if my friend will go off to college with her kids...and if she doesn't will her kids be able to function and complete their assignments without her standing over them.
Ralph - I always ask them if they have homework when they get home from school. I trust that they know what needs to be done (unlike when they were in 1st and 2nd grade, and I had to go over each and every homework assignment with them). I am always willing to help them (thank goodness, I still know the subject matter better than them. I figure by High School, that may change). I just don't think it's necessary to sit with them while they do their homework....but maybe I should. (sigh)
Joan - Thanks for the support. Did mom used to sit with us, or was she off doing other things and only helped us if we asked? I can't seem to remember... I will need to enlist your help in figuring out how to put the thinking award picture on someone elses blog...cause I am not thinking too clearly.
I think your friend is doing her children a great disservice by beign so involved in their homework. How are they supposed to learn to do it on their own. Will she go to college & work with them as they get older? I think your style will work out best. Sure her kids get good grades now...but I don't see it happening as they have to do it for themselves.
I don't think it's up to the parents to make sure their kids reach their full potential...the kids should want that for themselves.
DD likes to be perfect...she gets annoyed with me for accepting good enough. LOL!
I have not read the other comments. But you are NOT harming Ten & Twelve! You can not micromanage their lives. If they tell you that they have finished their homework and you trust them that they are telling you the truth then you are teaching them a very valuable lesson. For if they end up lying, they will only hurt themselves.
Trust me, Lynn, you are not a bad mother.
NO, just no, you do not need to teach these two helplessness by being their memory for them. They need to succeed or fail on their own.
DO NOT give into competetive parenting. No matter the temptation. They need things of their own to be proud of.
Can you tell i feel strongly about this?
My kids aren't coming home with homework just yet, but it is a subject I've discussed with other moms.
I agree that the kids have to learn to take responsibility for their homework. If their grades slip, then you get involved for a bit to 1) ensure that they are actually completing assignments and 2) understanding the material.
I don't think it is our job as parents to be homework buddy.
Renee - I agree. Everytime I mention to my friend that it really isn't her homework, she looks at me as if I have grown an extra nose and says "I need to make sure we do it right, I'm so overwhelmed with all of the homework I have". (sheesh)
It's great that Darly takes pride in her work and wants to do a good job!
Arm - It's true that I don't want to micromanage Twelve and Ten's lives. I trust that they will complete their assignments on their own...unless or until I get a note from the teacher telling me otherwise.
Meno - I hear you loud and clear...sometimes it's tough not to second guess myself. I definitely 'hear' your passion on this subject.
Natalie - Teaching responsibility is a huge responsibility. Sometimes I find that the line between encouraging my kids independence and shriking my responsibility isn't always so clear.
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