I think that it is possible to not really know somebody until after they die. The task of breaking down that which constituted someones life often reveals things that they compartmentalized, or kept secret while they were living. Without going into details (I'll leave those to Joan and Ina) there are bits of information, that we have learned about Frank, that have helped remind us that he was not a saint.
His death, and it's aftermath have made me think about and focus on just how open our lives become, once we have died. It makes me wonder what 'secrets' I have that my loved ones would uncover if I died (not that I am planning on dying anytime soon). I don't think I have any earth-shattering secrets, I'm the kind of person who tends to be open and honest about myself. (I'm just not confrontational). So I don't think that anyone would be shocked with anything they would learn.
But, if I were to die suddenly, I think after the initial shock, everyone who was left behind would curse me with every breath that they take. I think that they would feel intense anger they would have to sift through all of my excessive papers and clutter. They would moan and groan about how disorganized I really was, and how angry they felt because they would be left with the daunting task of throwing out my cr*p. Sure, they would remember the good things about me, but they would spend quite a bit of time and energy holding on to the anger.
The good news is that if everyone was angry at me and all my clutter, it might help them get over their sadness more quickly. It might help them transition away from the profound sadness and grief to a place of acceptance.
I think that is what has happened with Frank. There are so many details and so much 'stuff' and drama to deal with, that the raw pain and sadness are being pushed aside. I'm hoping the grief doesn't push back.
9 comments:
I don't think that you or Frank are any different than anyone else. There will be new things learned and swearing when each of us goes.
I'm already swearing about all the mess I know my dad will leave behind and he's no where close to dying (that I know of.) I sure wish that he wasn't such a pack rat!
How's your mom doing? Hugs!
Lynn,
I just visited Ina's blog after Ralph told me the news about your cousin Frank. I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible shock for your whole family. As you said, no time to prepare for his passing...no long illness, no warning.
I just love the adorable photo you posted of Ina and Frank.
I know what you mean about the 'stuff,' especially someone else's stuff that needs to be sifted through.
Please know that you, Ina and Joan are in my thoughts and prayers.
I just read Patches' insightful comment from the other day and I wanted to add I, too, am touched that you want to ease your mother's grief.
You are a great daughter, Lynn.
Lynn, It seems to me that you are being very healthy in talking about your frustration and anger. In 2005 we lost both my brother-in-law and my father-in-law . it was horrible, every aspect of it was horrible, including the sifting through everything. In my BIL case it was a completely unexpected death and he lived in another state, alone, so we all found out he was gone, and left immediately to deal with his apartment and everything else involved. It's all so heartbreaking and so hard. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. I know I don't know you at all, and have just started reading your blog, but I've been thinking about you and your family the past couple of days and pray you are surviving. Stay strong and soldier on...
I don't know if I can emphasize how insightful this post is without exceeding the number of acceptable adjectives allowed in a single sentence. We tend to place people upon a pedestal after they have expired. We are hardly prepared for the reality that follows.
We all have secrets both in life and in death, but keep in mind some secrets remain not in an effort to conceal, but rather as a result of, "no one bothered to ask or listen."
I know when my time comes, people will be both in shock and awe at the fragments I left behind. Maybe this is just an unfortunate reminder of the truth, that it is difficult to really know who anybody really is, we are only privy to brief impressions.
Lynn,
Yes, our lives seem to become an open book once we die. We will all leave behind something that we'd rather not, simply because we're human.
My mother grew up during the Great Depression. She is a pack rat and I understand why. She is afraid that someday these things will be needed. Myself, I am disorganized, so am standing beside you in that.
Thanks so much for commenting on my snowman post.
Blessings,
Mary
Your memories, your wonderful memories, are what is important about Frank. You can't look at the 'open book' for any validation. Frank is someone who was very important to you. The externals, anything that anyone else wants to focus on...Forget about them. Your relationship and your grief are yours, and yours alone. Nothing else is important...
I'm sorry.
Renee - My mom is doing o.k. Thanks for asking.
Patti - Thank you.
Jodi - Sorry about your BIL and FIL. Unexpected deaths are really a whammy. Obviously you understand.
Patches - I hear what you are saying. This makes me realize that I need to organize my stuff...yet leave just enough to piss people off. It will be my parting gift to them.
Mary - I find that for every five things that I throw out, invariably I need one or two of them within the next six months.
Ralph - It is true that memories are what we are left with...it's just sifting through all of the other stuff and not letting them cloud the memories that can be the challenge.
Sari - Me too.
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