A few weeks ago, Ms Chica wrote a post which she titled "On Leaving and Being Left Behind". With my DH's impending departure from his place of employment, I got to thinking more about the post.
In my comment to Ms. Chica, I stated that "You are so right that it is much easier being the one leaving than being the one left behind. Part of that is that the person that is leaving gets to experience something different (even if it is not new), while the one that stays is left with a void to fill."
I would now like to amend that comment. I think that the circumstances of leaving are really key as to whether it's easier to leave, or to be left behind. My DH will be leaving his work at the end of next week. On February 29th he will be expected to relinquish his employee I.D., turn in the key to his office...an office that he has worked in for twelve years, take all of his personal belongings, log off of his computer, turn off the light for the last time and leave.
Once he has taken care of business, he will then need to say goodbye to his coworkers, some of whom he has worked with for the past twelve years. I think that it will be a difficult good-bye. It is one thing to say goodbye to people, when you have the clear expectation that you will be seeing them again, and it is an entirely different matter when you have to say goodbye to people with the reasonable expectation that you will most likely never see them again.
Having worked in education in an itinerant position for many years, I have learned to cope with saying goodbye to students and staff at schools at the end of the school year. Some schools have been harder to leave than others (schools that I have been assigned to for longer periods of time). Some schools have not been so hard to leave. I think that the difference between the two was how 'involved' and 'attached' I allowed myself to become with the staff at the school. When the staff welcomed me, as one of their own, and included me as part of the staff (even though I was only there 1-2 days/week), I found saying goodbye far more difficult, than when I kept my distance throughout my time there.
Over the course of my career, I have learned to emotionally keep my distance from most staff at my schools...because I know that I could easily be reassigned at the end of the year. I still walk into the office in the morning with a smile on my face and greet everyone. I still smile and talk to the teachers in the course of performing my job. I still bring gifts to the office manager, plant manager, and other personnel over the holidays, as my little way of letting them know that I appreciate that they make my job a little easier. But I have learned over the years to maintain some distance and separation, because it makes the leaving not as painful. I realize that this means that I lose out on the bonds of friendship that I could have formed...however, after years and years of having to say goodbye to people...I have learned to protect myself from being the one leaving. I have learned that once I have left a school, despite the best of intentions, I don't keep in touch with anyone. The common bond that we have shared together (our experiences at a particular school) no longer exists. Our reasons for speaking together, or for sharing pleasantries is gone.
For this reason, I anticipate that next Friday when DH says goodbye to his co-workers for the last time...it will be tough. He will be saying goodbye to people that he has spent 8 hours a day, five day a week with, for twelve years. Despite the best of intentions, I seriously doubt that he will keep in touch with these people. I'm pretty sure that when DH gets another job, he will let them all know. I'm pretty sure that he will tell them to keep in touch, as they will tell him to do the same. But it won't be the same...and the bonds that kept them together, that kept them involved in each others lives will be gone.
In this case, as DH walks away from his office, and shuts the door, he'll be leaving (hopefully to a better experience)...but he'll be leaving alone, and he won't be returning. I think in his case, being the one leaving might just be harder than being in the group that is left behind.
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13 comments:
Well, I hope for the best for DH. As one who has had so many jobs, it's never easy to say goodbye. At least he will have the opportunity to say goodbye instead of being escorted off the premesis...
Yes, the situation influences the departure feelings. Men aren't always as sentimental about this type of departure as women are.
As for your own experience as an itinerant employee, when there is a history of leaving or being left behind, we become more familiar with temporary friends. All relationships we engage in are not meant to be of the life-long variety, some are only functional in the short term. Regardless of duration, they aren't any less valuable. The value is only diminished when if we fail to recognize them in the first place.
I believe Ms. Chica's right about the nature of relationships. Some are only supposed to be short-term, and we get out of them certain life lessons.
I wish your husband the best in his search for a new job.
In DH's former career we both got used to doing the leaving quite a bit...it got so that after we had been at a location for so long we could actually feel ourselves begin to pull away in preparation for the next move. But now that it is different it was a bit confusing when we hit that time when we were used to getting ready to move and it wasn't time to do that.
Still have your hubby in my prayers for his next adventure.
P.S. Lynn, blogging is a great way to get oneself out of a funk. Thanks for visiting me this morning.
;-)
I think you are right, Lynn. In this case it's harder to be the one leaving, especially since he didn't get a choice in the matter. It's one of those biggies as far as life changes go, and there is a grieving process that takes place. As hard as it is, it's better to feel what you need to feel and one day you wake up and realize this too has passsed and you're ok again. But it's tough. I continue to hope for good things in the job department for your husband, and SOON!
This thing about "keeping in touch" is interesting. You're so right about that, it's very rare that former co-workers hang out. I even see that when people move around in the same building.
12 years at one job these days is a long time. I hope it goes well for him.
Good luck to him. I hope it isn't too hard. I think it is hard to know you are leaving (especially if everyone else knows it too) for weeks, even months...it makes it difficult on everyone involved.
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Change is hard, but have change forced upon you unwillingly and into an uncertain circumstance is really hard.
We move a lot with my husband's career everyone in the military moves a lot. But, it isn't the same. My husband believes that optimism and happiness are choices that we control. While circumstances are often not within our control. I don't really believe him but he is almost always happy so maybe there is something to it.
Leaving someplace after so long is almost always difficult but I'm hoping your DH will look upon this as an opportunity to find something even better and more rewarding. My fingers and toes are still crossed with hope and good thoughts for him...and you too.
I know you said your family is vegeterian... and I know that for different people that has different meanings.
You said Elle doesn't eat cheese... so is she vegan? (no animal products at all?) Would soy cheese product work?
I have a friend who wont eat any mammals, but fowl & fish are fine.
Ralph - Your comment made me laugh. Although I don't think that being escorted off of the premises is funny.
Ms. Chica - You are right. I've never looked at these co-workers as 'temporary friends', I have always held them off as acquaintances. Maybe if I alter my perspective, I will enjoy the time that I have at each school just a little bit (or maybe even a lot) more.
Patti - I've learned something from each person that I've had too work with over the years...some of the things have been tough lessons...maybe I should write a book...oh wait, that's why I have a blog:~)
Renee - It amazes me, how we as humans have the ability to mentally prepare ourselves for transitions...sometimes the anticipation is far worse than the actual change.
Pam - Thanks. I know that you and Joe know what I am talking about. DH is perservering in his job hunt, and we are both using affirmations to put some good energy out there.
Egan - Yep. Despite the best of intentions, people seem to move on with their lives.
hrh - Yep, it is hard because I think that the natural tendency is to start to pull away from people that you were close with. Maybe this is what ultimately alters the relationship.
marshamlow - My DH is optimistic that he will get a better job. On many levels he's been unhappy at work for a long time...and is mentally ready for a change. He believes that this is for the best. On some level (that isn't busy freaking out that we won't have his income) I am optimistic too.
Joan - While you are crossing your fingers, could you cross your toes as well?
Renee - Elle used to eat cheese...then when she was 9 or 10 she watched a Mary Kate and Ashley video that had something about cheese from a pizza 'hanging off your chin...uncool' and Elle hasn't eaten cheese since. Sheesh...the power of the media.
I love your blog because you always give me so many things to think about. This post made me feel better about my "friendships" with coworkers. I have felt both lonely and like a lousy friend for losing touch with my former coworkers. After so many years in academia, I thought I had put up protective walls around myself to keep from getting hurt when my friends and colleagues moved on. This turned out not to be the case when I was the one that moved on. It hurt when no one kept in touch.
Anyhow, I didn't mean for this comment to be about me. I wish your husband the absolute best with wherever his new path leads. May he find new and exciting challenges and opportunities!
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